Some years the pain is just deeper and stronger than others, this year happens to be one of those years. People often ask if I'm ok on "special days", an anniversary or a birthday and most times I say yes even when everything in me is breaking and crying out that I am anything but ok. Why then do I say I am ok?? Because I know that joy will come in the morning. It may not be the next morning or the morning after that...but the joy will come in the morning.
I'm going to be real with all of you for a bit and just put it all out there. We all experience loss in our lives. Friends, family, co-workers...its all part of the circle of life and its the part that we wish we never had to experience, but we do and somehow we pick up the pieces and we move on and find new strengths each day. There are times even now that I think I can pick up the phone and call my mom because I know she would have the answer or she could give me a comforting word or just the right encouragement I need to press through a difficult time. Then I remember, she too has gone home to be with her Jesus. Losing her was a hard day but it was a day that I also rejoiced for her because she had suffered for so long with illness and pain. I was happy for her release from a broken body but was sad for all of us that would have to keep living without her and her amazing way she loved and supported us through that love. She was a once in a lifetime lady and no one could ever replace her in my life or those that knew and loved her. But even as much as I loved my mom, the pain of losing her didn't even come close to comparing to the pain I felt losing my son.
As a parent, there is just something about that bond that is quiet unexplainable. The moment that life begins the bond does as well and it never goes away even after death. I've heard so many well intended people tell folks that in time the pain will ease. That is total BULL! It never eases...but we learn how to find ways to deal with it each day and sometimes we find ways to deal with it each moment of each day. My son's bday is coming up on the 10th, Nigel would have been 26 years old. Its hard for me to wrap my mind around that since he left us when he was only 3 1/2. He would be a man with his own dreams, his own goals. Perhaps he would have his own family or be off on great adventures. Whatever he would have been doing, I would have remained his biggest cheerleader and number one fan. I sometimes sit and think of all the things that my little guy could be doing right now and how much I know this world would have been better having someone like him around but that wasn't the plan for his life. He got to influence many in his short 3 1/2 years in ways that those of us who are "older" never will be able to.
A dear friend lost her battle with cancer last year. She and I hadn't seen each other in many years but we got a chance to visit before she past. She shared with me that her battle with cancer had been made a bit easier because she had watched how Nigel had championed through his battle with a smile on his face and a joy in his heart that she never forgot. His body left this world...but his spirit never has. He lives on through the lives that he touched while he was here. That is why there is joy in the morning. God created a beautiful life within me named Nigel. He lived... He loved... He was an example of all that was good. He taught me the true meaning of love and how that it never dies and it never goes away even on the days when everything inside you feels broken, alone and so full of pain. Love remains. The Bible tells us that Love is the greatest gift of all. You see... our children, they are the greatest gift of all (they are love manifested in us).
Birthdays, anniversaries they are all part of me now as well. Memories shared and held close to heart. But there are the every day moments too that I have that I smile randomly about. If you ever are with me and a movie or program ends with a "to be continued", you will see me smile because Nigel hated those! He would look at me and say "Oh NO Mommy! Not be tinued!!" He may have gotten his impatience from his mother. He knew what that meant...he would have to wait. I guess that's how I feel. Oh NO, not be tinued, I don't want to wait for my story with my son to have to wait but I do and some days, that's just harder than others. Our love story has a "to be continued" written on it right now until the author and finisher of our faith finishes writing it.
I read and see so many of you share your joys with your gifts (your children and grandchildren) and my heart is so happy for you but it stings a little too. I don't say that for you to feel bad or to lessen the joy you have... I just want you to know as a parent who has lost their child that sometimes we hurt even on "non-special days" because the pain is always there somewhere and we are just trying to figure out how to deal with it at the moment. So if you ask if I'm doing ok, know that I may not be at the moment but I do believe in the joy that will come in the morning. Never take for granted the moments you have and that joy of being in the moment. Put your cellphones down, shut out everything else sometimes and just enjoy the gift of life that you embraced upon their entrance to this world. They may sometimes upset you or disappoint in their decision making...but that's how they grow and mature and learn. Be there in the moment and appreciate not having to think about what might have been but love what is.
What can you do today to spend a bit more time with your loved ones and put the busy stuff of life on hold? Life passes so quickly.
Under His Wings,
Heather
