February 12th is one of the hardest days I face each year and this year was exceptionally hard for many reasons, but in large part due to it marking the 20th anniversary of my Nigel's passing. For those that have never had this kind of great loss, you may think after 20 years one could simply be past the deep heartache of saying good-bye. This simply isn't true. Most days you wake and tuck that part of brokenness away and keep it buried, but every once in a while a day surfaces that you simply can't hide from it and the pain becomes your closest companion with or without permission.
I was reminded this year, as I often am each year, that I have people around me who love me, who pray for me and who encourage me to turn my heartache into compassion for those that can't find their way out of despair or for those whose journey with pain has just begun. I was also gently reminded by my dear friend, Alisa, that for 20 years, God has been my constant companion even during those times that pain has joined me on my journey. Its on days like February 12th that God, my father, simply holds me and allows me to rest upon him and cry. His word in Revelation tells us that he wipes away every tear and one day there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain. This comforts me to know that one day pain will no longer be my companion, but an old order that will pass away.
In life we have many ups and downs. We experience losses in many ways, some greater than others, but it's in the way we persevere that shows and defines our true character. I'm amazed time and time again when someone shares with me their shock when finding out about my son or about some part of my life that seems to be something that they feel they could not survive. I don't wear the heartache around my neck like a noose allowing it to rob me of some joy I can find in each day if I choose to look for it. Each day I get the choice to allow other companions to walk alongside of me instead of pain. I can choose happiness, peace, love and contentment to accompany me. I can choose to devalue the life of my son by being everything that he wasn't. Nigel chose through all his suffering and his pain to still smile, and not just the fake smile that too often people put on their faces, but an infectious smile that came from his very beautiful and loving soul. His smile was genuine and honestly it encouraged me more than anything or anyone ever could or can. His smile came from his heavenly father who was always his faithful companion. I believe in every moment of his treatments, his surgeries, his blood transfusions, etc that God the father was holding my little boy and comforting him. Some may question if God is such a loving father why did Nigel have to go through any of it... I honestly don't know except to tell you that through Nigel's journey, many hearts and lives were forever changed. More compassion was planted in people's hearts, more love shared, more time spent and relationships created. The scripture tells us that God uses ALL THINGS for his glory... even the bad parts. We are a broke mess of a people but God continues to work in perfecting us by chipping away all the ugly parts and turning us into his masterpieces.
I have experienced in life great joys and great sorrows and along the way I've had God experience those with me along with some of the most wonderful people. Some people have come into my life for a season and some for a lifetime but all for a purpose. I have experienced love both for and from others but never a love greater than that of Jesus Christ. He gave it all for me even when I don't deserve it. God surrounds me by special angels on this earth in the form of amazing friendships. My best friend of 20+ years has literally been through everything with me. She has been there for my moments of joy and has been my rock in my moments of great sadness. I cherish our friendship like none other because I know no matter what I face, she will be my biggest supporter standing right beside me. Laura is the kind of friend that I hope each person reading this blog is blessed to have. When I begin to doubt (and I do sometimes) if I'm "good enough" to be loved by an amazing God, I think of her devotion to me as my friend and I know that if she can see beyond my flaws, then the one who created me definitely can. I count myself blessed that I have been given people in my life that I can truly trust with my heart and know God has purposed them for me. You know who you are and I hope you know how much I cherish each and every moment with you and just how much I love you.
If today you need the companions of pain and suffering to leave your side to be replaced with peace and joy, simply call on your heavenly Father. What part of your life do you need God to turn mourning into laughter, tears into smiles or anger into happiness? Are you willing to accept his will and his plan for your life instead of your own even perhaps heading out on a different road than you ever imagined?
Under His Wings,
Heather
~~^~~Dedicated to Matthew "Nigel" Williams~~^~~
Aug 10, 1990 - Feb 12, 1994
